Its too late

Hmm wahh lama dah tak jenguk blog ni. Post entry ape tah lagi. hehehe. biaselah kan nama pun rarely blogging.

Well pejam celik pejam celik dah 5 tahun aku belajar kat puncak ni. Kadang2 takleh nak tipu diri sendiri yang aku rase bosan sangat dok kat sini. duk kat sini lama tu takpe lagi sbb weekend je aku nak berambus balik umah aku kat Selayang tu. tapi bila mengenagkan aku belaja benda yang sama selama 5 tahun ni membuatkan aku tertekan sangat, bosan and menyesal sbb tak pegi interview tawaran sambung degree course lain mase diploma dulu.

pastu pulak bila pikir nak keje ape, boleh ke aku bertahan dalam dunia hiburan ni. Boleh ke aku tahan dengan tanggungjawab kerja yang berat dan mmg takkan punya ade mase even untuk diri sendiri. Memang tekanan yang teramat sangat bila hari2 mengahadap benda yang sama. Belajar benda yang sama cuma sukatan berbeza sikit je. ala beza pun sikit sangat. mendalam pun dalam sikit je. ade lah sejengkal dalamnya daripada dulu.

And one more thing that makes me really upset is when im thinking of my family. its been almost 6 years im studying here and im now 23 years old already. Bila nak keje, bila nak tolong ringankan beban mak ayah, bila nak kumpul duit nak kahwin, uishhh!kalau aku keje umur 24 tahun pun, and nak kahwin umur 30 tahun mana cukup 6 tahun nak simpan duit untuk kahwin grand2. melainkannnnn...........laki aku nanti kayo brado! hahahaha. Well mmg berangan lah tu kan. haish lovee berangan. Kalau aku kerja sekarang mungkin aku dah beli keata dah. :'(

Seronoknya kalau dapat tolong mak ngan ayah. aku ni kalau dapat belikan mak ngan ayah aku ape2 mmg rse puas hati sangat. rase seronok sangat tgk mak ngan ayah senyum je amik barang yang aku belikan tu. "Mak ayah, sabarlah sikit je lagi, nanti kakak akan tolong mak ngan ayah" janji! :)

Tapi takpelah, i do believe that God always have a better plan for me and He always knows whats best for me. Thank you Allah.

OUTCAST!

I think i have done something not good to my friends. Im not supposed to be selfish. I confronted them, they said its okay. But still i feel uneasy about this matter. I mean its really bothering me. haish. i hate this kind of feelings la. Am i selfish? Im sorry. When i sat down and think everything back again, i know i shouldn't bring up about transportation and everything since we'd promised that we'll go there together. YESSSS I KNOW IM SELFISH because i just bailed to our promise. Damn y did i do that. Aaarggh i dont want to think, i dont want to fucking think. Its get me no where but worrying about it all day and about what u guys might say behind my back regarding what i did and about my decision. Actually i do care about what people think, eventhough sometimes im not. But u guys are my best friends! I love all of u n i dont want to loose u guys because of my selfishness and my stupidity.

Dear besties im sorry for not going to do our internship together as we planned and if u guys think im selfish. i apologize because maybe i am even though u guys didn't say anything. I can really sense it. And now i dont know how to fix this. Im sorry. ;'(

Grenade

Easy come, easy go, that's just how you live
Oh, take, take, take it all but you never give
Should've known you was trouble from the first kiss
Had your eyes wide open, why were they open?

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
'Cause what you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same

No, no, no, no

Black, black, black and blue, beat me 'til I'm numb
Tell the devil I said, hey, when you get back to where you're from
Mad women, bad women, that's just what you are, yeah
You'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car


Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, yes, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
'Cause what you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for ya, baby
But you won't do the same

If my body was on fire
Ooh, you'd watch me burn down in flames
You said you loved me, you're a liar
'Cause you never, ever, ever did, baby

But darling, I'd still catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same

No, you won't do the same
You wouldn't do the same
Ooh, you never do the same
No, no, no, no

The Bitterness of Love I Tasted

You saved me from him two years ago. You make me love you like hell. And now you're gonna leave me just like he did. I thought u were different. I know I'm not a good lover. i mess up. I start fights. I get jealous easily. I'm demanding and I'm always get mad. But there are things i do love about myself.

1. I don't play

2. I give my all

3. I love deeply

But why cant you see? I know where i got wrong. I complaint a lot. I deny everything and i don't show that i trust you even though actually i am. I said i wanted to break up, but in a couple of hours i definitely gonna find u back because i cant stand of not having you even for a day. When i said i want to break up with you, I'm expecting u to reply, "no I'll never gonna leave you".

But everything is over. U don't even bother any of my explanation. The way u asked for a break up is the most hardest part for me to accept. You said it in a very polite way as i cant take it because i know every time u asked for a break up when u are mad, its not gonna happen. But this time its different because u r not mad at me at all. Not even a bit. Its scared the hell out of me. And it is happening to me now. I could not take it. I even cry in front of my mom! I know i take this too hard but how can i stand it. Its not that easy as you thought. How can i forget you? You said you know that i can forget you, then teach me how to forget you but I'm sure I'll never be able to learn it.

you said that you'll still be around anytime i need you. but everything will never be the same again. The feelings will never gonna be just like we used to feel. There will be no more imy, ily, ilysm, ilysfdm, imysm, imysfdm and everything sweet to say to you and i'll never gonna received a goodnight kiss message, morning kiss message. Its just frustrating! All i need i you needing me. I want everything to be just like it used to be. I hate myself because i cant do anything to put everything in place back again. But I'll wait.

Life

Tiap orang takkan terlepas dari buat silap. And silap tu jugak tak mustahil akan berlaku berkali-kali. Tapi sama ada seseorang tu berpeluang dan ada masa untuk memperbaiki silap yang dilakukan tu subjektif. Setiap apa yang berlaku pada kita dah ditentukan oleh Allah swt, cuma dimana relevannya saje yang masih kita tak tau dimana. Theres always something behind everything that happened.

I keep thinking why im in this state. Im not always happy, dan kadang-kadang hidup dalam ketakutan dan kekeliruan. There must be something yang aku lupa nak buat. sesuatu yang wajib kita buat. Tapi walaupun aku sedar, kenapa lalai tu masih ada. Takut hanya seketika. Ramai orang yang rasa benda ni. Sedar tapi tak ada inisiatif untuk berubah. Kadang-kadang bila fikir balik rasa macam nak tidur dan bangun semula sebagai aku yang 23 tahun dulu dan memperbetulkan semua kesilapan yang dah berlaku. Tapi itu semua musthil kan, theres no such thing.

Tapi tu lah kenyataannya. Aku nak bangun semula esok bukan sebagai orang lain, tapi sebagai aku yang baru. aku nak bagun semula sebagai aku yang sentiasa beringat, sentiasa berwaspada, sentiasa bersyukur, menjaga pertuturan, tak kecewakan ibu dan ayah, lebih menjaga hati kawan-kawan, hanya bercakap benda yang perlu, belajar pandai-pandai, or what i can say, be a better person, still me but the better version cz my life is full with regret. Theres so much things that i wish i didnt do and said. i hurt a lot of people's feeling and now its killing me. Idont want to dwell in the past but it keeps bothering me. It keeps coming and i cant resist it. And now my life is full with hope. Note to self: Why worry about something you can't do, when you can lean on God who can do everything?

Aku juga pernah berfikir, kenapa keluarga aku tak macam keluarga org lain, kenapa mesti ada kekurangan ini dalam keluarga dan kehidupan aku. That was when im like 16, 17, but now im more like an adult. I can think wisely now i guess. Semakin lama, aku belajar untuk memberikan peluang. Ada orang yang dah berpuluh-puluh tahun memberi peluang kepada orang lain, apa salahnya aku yang baru nak mengenal makna peluang memberikannya kepada yang berkenaan. And sometimes, for some reason, peluang sekali saje tak cukup untuk make things right. Hmm theres no reason why i posted this, its just something that i think and i dont want to keep it in my head, so i leave it here. ;)

Okay, now im thinking of what people said that we cant always get what we want. And its true. There must be sesuatu dalam apa yang kita nak sangat tu yang tak baik untuk kita. Sebab tu Allah tak nak bagi kita apa yang kita nak sangat tu, Takpun kita akan dapat, cuma Allah delaykan skit n tunggu masa yang sesuai untuk Dia bagi kita apa yang kita nak tu. Even dalam Al-Quran pun ade cakap yang kadang-kadang benda yang kita suka n nak sangat tu lah benda yang paling tak elok untuk kita, n boleh jadi juga benda yang kita benci tu adalah sesuatu yang paling baik untuk kita. I cried a lot. and that tears comes from a lot of reason which i dont really noe how to tell. Its complicated and its not bcz of single issue. Its a lot. Its countless just like the tears. But i noe i have to move on. Well im trying with +ve thinking because If u always see the negative side of things, eventually that’s all there is. Always look for the positive no matter how small. Well, Tough times never last, but tough people do ~ Robert Schuller

Aku dapat rasakan yang aku sememangnya semakin meningkat dewasa. Hahahahahaaa tolonglah kan??? Tapi betul lah. Aura-aura dewasa tu semakin dapat dirasakan. Wahhh gitu. Aaarrgghh banyaknya nak tulis. Tapi i think i'll save it for next entry. Well i noe my entry ni tak konsisten, well its bcz i mmg tak pandai blogging and again im not a good writer. Thank you.

Sometimes, everything we see is based on perception not truth & everything we hear is based on opinion not fact.

A Little Thought

Its true when people said that people changed.

So when there are people who changed around me,i cannot complain, cz its damn normal.

even though its hurt, i have to face it no matter what. but its not that hurt actually, its just a weird feelings when hes not someone he used to be anymore.

well maybe he dun feel a thing. but yes, we need someone else to look what is wrong with us, or which part of us that obnoxious to others. cz we cant handle that by ourself.